Are you hard on yourself? – give yourself the Gift of Self-Compassion
I have always been pretty hard on myself and the voice in my head (of my inner critic) has been pretty harsh! The voice of being either “not ....enough” OR “too much” ( in my younger days... “not smart enough”, “not witty enough”, “not enough experience”, “not attractive” or “too emotional”, and of course, “too FAT” :) !!!) and more recently, (“not young enough” or “TOO OLD”)!!!
It is only in the last 5 or so years that I have started to “be more compassionate to myself” and I am beginning to more easily recognise and catch myself when spiralling down into a barrage of self -criticism (which can negatively impact my work, productivity, taking risks, promoting myself, my relationships and more!). I have found the Self-Compassion Practice below (adapted form Kristen Neff’s Self compassion break) incredibly powerful to break this downward cycle, when I can catch myself/ remember to use it.
This is an important thing to mention - when we begin using self-compassion we are “unlearning” (in my case) a lifetime habit of self-criticism.... and it takes time to establish new neurological pathways, to embody new behaviour habits (that’s where the soothing touch comes in - see below in step 3 of the practice” and habits of mind.
Here is the scientific explanation of why self-compassion works - a bit of theory taken from “The Mindful Self Compassion book” by Kristen Neff- (page 32) “Self compassion” helps regulate the threat response. When the stress response (fight/flight/freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to turn on ourselves in three ways. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), we flee from others (self-isolate) or we freeze (ruminate- overthink). These three reactions are the opposite of the three components of self-compassion - self- kindness,
So, if you are giving yourself a hard time, overthinking, overwhelmed… or any difficulty, I encourage you to try this practice. Self-Compassion Practice adapted from Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion Break Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. (Or feelings/thought of unworthiness, not good enough, shame, guilt, regret, beating yourself up.. etc) Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. “This is a moment of suffering”
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
This hurts
This is difficult
This is stressful.
Now say to yourself…
2. “Suffering in a part of life”
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest.
Say to yourself…
3. “May I be kind to myself”
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I accept myself as I am
May I learn to accept myself as I am
May I forgive myself
May I be patient.
This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
Copyright (C) Helen ELizabeth Alm 2023. All Rights Reserved.